NY Jets Owner Fires Robert Saleh, Looks Forward to Firing Jeff Ulbrich

In a shocking, yet strangely celebratory, turn of events, New York Jets owner Woody Johnson has discovered his true passion: firing head coaches. After swiftly axing Robert Saleh following another painful Jets defeat, Johnson reportedly found the experience so exhilarating that he’s already set his sights on the next victim—defensive coordinator Jeff Ulbrich.

“Firing Saleh felt soooooo good,” Johnson admitted with a grin. “I think I’ve really found my calling. You know, some owners build winning franchises, but me? I fire coaches. And I’m really, really good at it.”

Sources close to the situation say that while most franchises might be in crisis mode after losing a head coach midseason, Johnson is already fully immersed in the joy of selecting his next candidate for the chopping block. When asked about Ulbrich’s potential to turn the defense around, Johnson was blunt: “Let’s be honest, this season isn’t salvageable. So why waste time looking for the best guy? I’m looking for someone who’ll be the most fun to fire.”

Ulbrich, known for his no-nonsense coaching style, was never really in the running to secure the long-term job, but his stoic demeanor and stern presence apparently make him the perfect candidate to meet the business end of Johnson’s newfound favorite activity.

“You have to understand,” Johnson explained, “the firing isn’t just about performance anymore. It’s about the thrill of the hunt. The anticipation. Watching their face when you say the words, ‘You’re fired.’ It’s become an art form. I’m like a painter, and these coaches are my canvas.”

At the time this article went to print, Johnson was reportedly standing in front of a full-length mirror in his office, practicing firing lines in a variety of voices. “You’re fired,” he said in a gruff, authoritarian tone. “You’re fired,” he repeated, this time in a chipper, sing-song manner. Occasionally, he’d try out a faux British accent, perhaps adding a touch of class to the execution.

“See, it’s all about delivery,” Johnson told reporters. “You have to find the right tone to match the coach. By the time I’m done, Ulbrich’s firing is going to be a masterpiece.”

Jets fans, meanwhile, have grown increasingly resigned to their fate. With Johnson more focused on perfecting his firing technique than improving the team’s performance, some have taken to social media to speculate which unlucky coach might be next on his hit list.

“He’s got Ulbrich lined up, but what happens after that?” one fan tweeted. “Maybe the offensive coordinator? Maybe the janitor if the locker rooms aren’t up to standard?”

While the Jets’ season continues to spiral, Woody Johnson appears to be enjoying himself like never before. And while the team may not be winning on the field, at least the owner’s having a great time trying out new ways to say goodbye.