Man Who Failed at Both Football and Fantasy Football Now Pins Hopes on ‘Fantasy Fantasy Football’

DES MOINES, IA—After failing spectacularly at both playing football and managing his fantasy football team, local man Trevor Michaels is now banking on his last shot at gridiron glory: Fantasy Fantasy Football, a convoluted game in which participants draft not players, but other fantasy football managers. According to Michaels, it might finally be the one place where his unique combination of poor athleticism and worse decision-making won’t get in the way.

“I tried real football, and let’s just say my career didn’t exactly take off because my coach was a jerk,” said Michaels, who was once cut from his high school junior varsity team after tackling a teammate during warm-ups. “Then I thought fantasy football was my chance to shine. But apparently, picking the backup kicker in the third round isn’t a winning strategy.”

Despite years of dedication, Michaels’ fantasy football track record has been nothing short of dismal. In his most recent season, he finished dead last in his 12-person league, due in part to starting injured players for three consecutive weeks and failing to check the waiver wire because, in his words, “I was really busy that day.”

Now, Michaels has shifted his focus to Fantasy Fantasy Football, a meta game where participants draft teams of actual fantasy football managers. Wins and losses are assessed based on how well those managers perform with their own fantasy teams. While it’s not clear if anyone besides Michaels even plays this game, he’s convinced that this is his ticket to the top.

“I’ve got a solid strategy,” Michaels explained. “I’m drafting guys like Greg Simmons, who has won his league three years running, and Rachel from work, who once nailed the perfect sleeper pick. I’ve even got my eye on Derek, that guy who always brags about his fantasy trophies at Thanksgiving.”

However, Michaels is keenly aware that this could be his last chance. “If I can’t make it in Fantasy Fantasy Football, I don’t know what’s left,” he said, a tinge of desperation in his voice. “I was born to compete, man. I can’t just be some casual fan sitting on the couch, watching games without something at stake.”

When asked what his backup plan was if he failed yet again, Michaels hesitated. “I mean, sure, I’ve considered walking away from the game entirely. Maybe just enjoying football for what it is—entertainment—but can you imagine? No stats to obsess over? No more overanalyzing bye weeks or agonizing over a running back committee? What’s the point of even watching football if there’s nothing riding on it?”

As of press time, Michaels is already preparing for his Fantasy Fantasy Football draft with the kind of intensity that some might say would be better spent on actually learning how fantasy football works. Still, Michaels remains undeterred, seeing this as his chance to finally prove himself.

However, Michaels is worried that if he doesn’t succeed in Fantasy Fantasy Football, he may have to switch sports altogether. “I’m so close to greatness, I can feel it,” he said. “If I bail now, all the hard work I’ve put in will go to waste.”

“My dad earned letters in two sports back in high school, and he was always disappointed that I didn’t earn any,” Michaels admitted. “But this could be my shot at becoming the multi-sport athlete he always told me I’ll never be.”

His father could not be reached for comment.