Local Man Declares Himself ‘Professional Football Player’ After Fantasy League Win, Still No Girlfriend

CINCINNATI, OH—In what experts are calling a “blatant misunderstanding of both athletics and human relationships,” local man and recent fantasy football champion Mark Davenport has begun referring to himself as a “professional football player” after winning his $200 fantasy league prize, and is reportedly baffled as to why women still aren’t flocking to him.

“If you make money from it, you’re a professional,” said Davenport, who took home first place in the “Gridiron Gurus” fantasy football league last week. “I won $200 fair and square, so technically, I’m a paid athlete now. I figured the ladies would be all over that.”

Unfortunately for Davenport, his newfound status as a “pro football player” has not translated into the adoration or romantic attention he had envisioned. According to sources close to the 31-year-old IT specialist, he was “visibly frustrated” when, after loudly announcing his fantasy football success at a local bar, none of the women present showed even the slightest interest in him.

“I don’t get it,” Davenport reportedly confided to friends. “I thought women loved pro athletes. Do they not understand how hard it is to manage a fantasy team? I crushed my draft, made killer waiver wire picks, and dominated the playoffs. That takes skill.”

To make matters worse, Davenport’s delusions of professional grandeur escalated recently when he was arrested for destruction of property at a local Applebee’s. Eyewitnesses say he threw a fit after the hostess failed to recognize him as an “elite athlete” and refused to seat him immediately, even after he showed her the ESPN app on his phone displaying his fantasy league championship.

“I told them I was a professional football player, but they just treated me like a regular guy,” said a bewildered Davenport from the county jail. “I should be getting special treatment—free appetizers at the very least.”

Applebee’s staff confirmed that Davenport became irate after learning that his fantasy football title did not qualify him for the preferential treatment he believed professional athletes receive. “He kept saying, ‘Do you even know who I am?’” recalled the restaurant manager. “Then he tried to explain the concept of fantasy football while waving his phone in the air. When we didn’t give him a booth right away, he knocked over a stack of menus and stormed out.”

Despite his mounting frustrations, Davenport remains hopeful that his professional football career will eventually pay off in more ways than just cash. “Look, it’s only a matter of time before people start recognizing what I’ve accomplished,” he said. “I’m a professional athlete now, and sooner or later, the world will catch on.”